I Miss My Neighbour

I should clarify, before you read this, that we love our neighbour; especially as she’s always bringing us things from her garden or kitchen.

I miss my neighbour,
She was eaten by a snake.
She was outside in her garden,
Tap tapping with her rake.

The snake came up behind her,
And bit her on the bum.
It tasted her, and found her good,
I heard it say, “yum, yum.”

There was a lot of her to eat,
This cannot be ignored.
I knew the snake had swallowed her,
By my neighbour’s shapely bulge.

It tried to slither back away,
Out of the midday sun.
But truth be told, it sludged and groaned,
It must have weighed a tonne.

It tried to squeeze back down its hole,
But the hole was much too narrow.
And that is when I seized my chance,
And attacked it with a trowel.

I slashed it open and tried to drag,
My neighbour out to safety.
But I may have slashed a bit too hard,
And my trowel, it is quite weighty.

And that is why your honour, sir
I end up here today.
And how it is, those officers,
Stumbled on my DNA.